I hope you are safe. Just as I was saying to her, How am I going to survive these next two months? A text popped up on my phone. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur. You were just so happy being home with all of us. I remember our last moments together. I love you. This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. Just throw a few raccoons my way. We had a little debate that I took a stance on and refused to back down. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. I woke up this morning, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. You have a baby on the way. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. I worry about it with your brothers, too. If this baby is a girl, I will fall over. He deserved to be mine, for much longer than almost 4 years. Ronan is of course over the moon to spend the day with one of his brothers. Do I usually have this hard of a time, every year, right before the holidays? I think Im dying. You with a baby girl. I stood that way for a minute, while the tears fell down my face. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. Please. I looked down at the floor and thought for a bit. Please, Ronan. Sunday I think. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. If it is, fix it. I was laying in bed. with this. I let it continue to play. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. I almost made your daddy take me to the ER as I thought I was massively dehydrated. I wanted to say I dont know how to stop. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. I am always the most intense when I am the saddest/on the verge of jumping out of our 7 story hotel room. That I am sure of. Ive been really busy. But most of all, I miss you. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. Im looking for you. I hate seeing him on days like today where I am so sad that I can tell it hurts him. I'm landing close to midnight. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. I am forever so very sorry I couldnt fix you. Thinking all about Ronan in New York, not that youre not always thinking about him but I know everything in New York was very intense for you. I am floored. I had a super important phone call this week. You are so right. An ear infection, counting my blessings! She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. I dont remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. "My darling. This is what I am here to do, Ronan. Gnite. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. I am not doing anything else. All I can do is my best and I want to do this the right way, not the rushed way. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. I will never understand this. I was always so thankful for what we had. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. I would give anything to have you here to cuddle up to because I cant sleep. 4,586 views. Nothing is worth this pain. I asked your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I think the name is darling and it truly makes me smile. I love you, my little seal. Diving into the freezing ocean like I know you would have. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. I miss you. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. I miss you so much. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. I love you. Im sad. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. As soon as my name was called, I got up and asked if it was o.k. I would have loved every second of cleaning you off. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. Throwing you into a warm bath where I would make sure you felt safe, clean, loved and warm. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. What is wrong with me? Ireland Ronan. I laid on our bed and cried for a long time. me: UGH. I just keep telling myself, Ive got to just get though this part, but its not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. Ron Starr. They kept coming in to check on me. I had been going back and forth with your Sparkly on some things. I know what I am coming home to. Oh, theres perfect infant Ronan. My little hometown showed some major RoLove today. Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football. Oh, that would just be because Ive been crying all day. Why so much today? Please bring him back. It felt good just to be out with my friend. I cannot part with your toys, clothes, stuffed animals, books, blankets, pictures on the walls. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just cant take living this life without you anymore. I have some serious business to attend to! Laughing as you would pick all the flowers around our neighborhood from other peoples yards, thinking you were so naughty for doing so. I am so proud of them both not only today, but always. I found myself, on my phone, looking at pictures of you. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life. Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. We met up with some friends. I know this would be your sport too, if you were still here. Im too sick to laugh. Me: Ill bet nothing bad ever happens here., Your daddy: That is not true. So I shoved the phone away and rocked myself as I sob and cry and cry. This is also just me, grabbing on to anything and everything I can, to still get to be your mama and parent you, Ronan. I promise I wont give up until our RoLove, changes the world. These kids, deserve to be recognized, not swept under the carpet. I am not taking your day and turning it into something fucking pretty, happy, light, and filled with angels from above. I talked to you in my head the way I always do when I need you to work your little Ronan magic. I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. I will take this Macegiving to count the things that I am thankful for, on one hand. Thank you., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: I miss him. Gnight baby doll. Ill just stick with pie for now. Quinnmade a commentabout how weird it felt to have another person living in our house again with us. It has nothing to do with science. I know we are and will change this world in a very big way but FUCK. Ronan. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish. I keep telling myself, I have to get through September first, but I truly dont know if I can wait that long. Ill admit it. Im up out of my sickness coma. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. "A number I don't recognize called my phone and left me a voicemail. You know you have my utmost respect, always. Then the next letter, from a mom, whos husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. I would like to rip its face off with my bare hands. Then the pictures just stop because no more can be taken. Im tired. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. Whats going on? Fuck. The day you left me is almost here. Because I know you would want it to be this way. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. I wanted the data to show your face instead. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. We talked about some other things. I called your Sparkly up. I lived in this world. I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. . I was in a world that I normally dont live in anymore. I was just happy to finish without injuring myself even more. I miss you. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. Throw in a traumatic death of a child on top of it and its a freaking party now! Wouldnt every mama walk to the end of the earth to make sure their childs legacy lives on? The 7th floor jumping out of our hotel window, to splatter on the streets below, did not seem like a better option. He deserved better. We have about one idea for a first name. I have to trust in you that your Poppy sister is going to be alright. I hope you are safe. I ended up waking up, and having a mini freak out session/panic attack which caused me to slam two Ambien and send some insane text messages to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. May 9th. Almost too good. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. As of now, I cant talk about our news. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. She has our attention. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. I wont tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. She told me she would keep a close eye on me, strip my membranes again, like she did with you if I wanted Poppy to come out a little early. Yes, it was barbaric. Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. It is so a sport you would have kicked ass at. I took a minute to get myself under control and just told him, I miss him for you too. That was all. Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. You were a child. Your daddy keeps reminding me how much you wanted a brother or sister. I love you. Of course Im cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but Im cutting it just close enough that I will make it. Dr. Mosse from Chop. NYC with our Fairy RoMo is my paradise. I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! Sometimes not. Ive got to go now, Ro. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. They asked if I would be up for doing Skype interviews with them, pretty frequently. He asked me why I looked so perplexed. I sat quietly in your room for a while. We sat for a while longer and caught up. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. Its all I can do just to survive it. I punched a pillow and went back to sleep. I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I wont fail you or let you down. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. Im used to being the energizer bunny. So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. The way I run myself ragged, Im surprised it took this long. This weekend is a busy one. Do you think Im dying? We had a little foundation business to attend to. Sheets drenched. I dont like being in our house, without you. (but dont tell Poppy. I dont think you ever knew you were going to die, Ronan. I beg over and over in my head. I love you so much. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, Because I dont know where my child is. That is how I feel. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. That phone call where I was left saying, What? Does Ronan talk to you and tell you these things? I honestly think you do, Ronan. I am not playing by the fluffy rules. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and Our seal needed a little make-over and update. Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. Maybe Poppy will even make an appearance;). I love you. Ill bet if we would have lived here, Ronan would not have gotten cancer and died. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. We simply wanted some fucking lightbulbs changed out for one day, to recognize this world that deserves better. What in the hell is that all about? Thats how I like it., Him: I know you insist on doing allthese things alone, but its not the way it should be. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. that my New York Miss Macy made me. I got home. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I had Dr. JoRo over to our house today. Fuck this FUCK THIS FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! You have nothing to be sorry for.. He is someone you loved so much. Its like Im just now getting the memo, Hi, youre pregnant! No wonder I have been feeling like crap lately. As in really hard. We talked about Poppy for a while. I of course chopped it up to nerves. He sat down. God, you would have loved that game. I dont fit well into that world anymore, but I love our hostess so for her, I was totally game. I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. I feel like I am back there again. I am going to try to get a little more rest before I have to take on this day. No trace of black oblivion coma, existed. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. What is your daughters name? She just looked at me and said, Ireland. I smiled and said, Its beautiful. That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. Any type of meat makes me throw up. This means no computer time, only a little time is spent posting the never ending cute little Poppy pics on Instagram as my way of trying to keep up with all of your lovies out there. We Have a NewHome! It wouldnt have been this way, if you were still here. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. No words last night could have saved me. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. I miss you. Im tired tonight, Ronan. Everything is different. I know they are not the most compelling words, but today they were the only thing I could muster up in my over active imagination to say. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Author rockstarronan Categories Uncategorized Tags Coldplay, Fix you, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Rockstar Ronan. I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. I knew that planning this trip. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldnt control. Well, 3 actually but Im only going to talk about 2. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. Its not my choice, its yours. So typical. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. Im sitting in the parking lot. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. My due date is April. I would give anything not to be waking up because I dont have you here to cuddle up to. How I miss the simple days of chasing you around. I went to see my OBGYN a couple of days ago, just for my 4 week standard check-up. Maybe, but its the only way I feel like I can survive. We left our lunch feeling as if we had just come off of another planet, but were both so thankful for the adventure. That will never go away. I truly expected more from you. Not the spilled milk, not the I dont have enough time for myself because my kids keep me too busy, not the messes made, not the arguments that are had, not the strong-willed child that throws a fit over everything, not the I am too tired because my sick, child kept me up all night. Please. I imagined myself, slapping your picture up on the screen. That woman has such a way with words, that she could have no doubt brought every person in that room, to their knees begging to know her secret. I love you. Im full fledged in the middle of writing this book. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! Because I do. I then went on Google to do some research on if cats and raccoons are friends. It is just all so wrong. A water for me. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. Thank you for all the Roideas today. I do know this. Are you o.k. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. I say, Mayor Gregory Stanton for PRESIDENT. I spent the day with a friend of mine. Its fluff and fluff does not work for me. Not right now, but someday you wont be this sad., Me: Im so sad all the time. I am proud, too Ronan. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. I nodded my head that it was, because it is; but there is also something comforting about it too. ? I said I was o.k. Im sick. We went over the ultrasound and all of Poppys measurements which look perfect. This never happens for me. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. I had just put the apple pie in the oven when your song, Ronan, came on. Guess what? I said, tears still falling everywhere. I know what needs to be done. Homemade whipped cream. About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just dont understand whythe wholeworld isnt in an uproar over this. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. Its 4 a.m. Im not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. A baby girl and now this?! They are at practice now. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. Thanks Palmer Cash. Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. Thanks for writing them. It was my agent, Nena. Today, my tears were more happy. I am excited too. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. What a fucking joke. So, lets keep watching and learning more Ronan. Im doing this, for them. She said alright and she would be there with me, to hold my hand. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. It was all I could do to stay in the restaurant and not flip the fuck out. As I was walking off your Mr. Sparkly Eyes said, Hey, please just give me a smile. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. I miss you. But I just promised him I would try instead. We still havent seen too many people as we are still just trying to take our time and get used to this new little life. Ronan. Ive been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. Why are you not at your F U Cancer Starbucks office today?, me: Im sick. Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. The ones in life that make you think about things from every different angle and dont want you just to take the easy way out. Im mentally tapped out. Anything That Has To Do With You and New YorkCity. I said, Sure! Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. Thank you for never forgetting my little guy who continues to inspire you daily. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. I'm scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. Alone. Thats all I needed to hear. In a room full of scientists, doctors, researchers.. all there for pediatric cancer. Pearl Jam ended the concert with Keep On Rocking In The Free World, and of course I sang along as loudly as I could while I thought of you the entire time. Somebody make this not real because it is too horrific. I swear I stare at it all day long. You know how he loves to play devils advocate with me. She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. Ahhhh! I dont have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. He tried once again to shake my hand and laughed as I grabbed him for a hug. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. I would give anything to be with you, through. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Well, how are you going to Fuck Cancer if you are sick? the chuckling begins. I dont think I have stopped crying, the entire day. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead childs costume. I used to love my meat, but now I think I know how she feels. Things like this dont even happen in the fucking movies so how can they possibly happen, in real life? But how not physically having them here, is so very difficult. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. Come on, settle down. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. Ill be sorry for the rest of my life. Im a mom. I am awake now. I dont know why you continue to do things like this. I said I knew. I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going I promise you that. WTF. Thank you for not being thankful for any of the shallow things in life, but for the things that truly matter. I like to listen to her when I bake. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. Ronan. Ill let you know when I know more. I hope you are safe. He deserved better. Eddie Vedder will forever be one of my idols in life as I appreciate so much how he just lives his life the way he wants, with no apologies. Same with our Fairy RoMo. Do not let him be taken away. There was complete devastation. They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. As long as I get to see it through them. After I left there, my phone rang. How could my totally healthy, beautiful baby boy be so healthy, and then have fucking stage 4 cancer just like that? Not always is good enough for me, as of now. I need to rough them up a bit. Tell me what I can do for you. For the love that was ripped from my arms. These kids, deserve to be embraced. Now I feel like I am in prison. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. Back to the book. I ended up walking a bit too but I was fine with that. Neuroblastoma was only touched on a few times but I found that when it was being talked about in charts, graphs, statistics. I cannot believe that this is my life. THANK YOU. Poppy is so lucky. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, Can you please get Ronans costume for me. P.S. If good days existed in my life anymore, today would have been one of them. Talk about another huge sign! I miss you. Those moments mean so much to me. Thanks for making it rain on him the other night while he was out for a walk with his mama. I dont know if I could handle this without Macy by my side. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. I miss you so much. Simple words that go such a long way. Maya! Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. Im not a scientist. I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. She told me she would send me back to get more in depth ultrasounds whenever I wanted, she would find any excuse to send me. You were always are mini Pat Tillman who was going to rule the world. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. I am still pretty sick. I will never understand why all of these kids are swept under the rug. I look forward to hearing her speak tomorrow. We talked a lot about you, about her son and all the things you are making happen in this world. 10 on Billboard Rock albums chart. This is my purpose. I am thankful for the friends that are like family who will help us get through the day.